Bulimia. [sobs]

So brave.

Let's take a silent moment and--

[loud kissing]

Goddamn it, they're at it again.

[slender man] Great. Now I'm going to have nightmares.

-[metal clangs] -[both laugh]

Yeah, I think therapy is definitely working.

You know what? I think I need some more therapy.

Anything you'd like to share with the group?

Oh, yeah. I… I was just looking for my Tic Tacs, which I--

Which she left in my mouth.

We left Tic Tacs in each other's mouths.

-Good save. -Gotta commit.

Reagan, this is what we call a coping mechanism.

If you're not careful, it can become an addiction.

Ron isn't an addiction.

He's a healthy distraction.

We all have groping mechanisms.

I mean, uh, coping. [laughing] We were definitely coping in there.

Groping mechanisms. You dork.

Look, if you don't rejoin the group, I'm going to… One second.

Class dismissed.

-[Mothman whines] -[distant laughter]

[slender man] Do you validate parking?

Damn it, Myc. I said rose quartz.

-[Myc sighs] -Glenn, feng shui that lamp.

Feng-ier, goddamn it.

[groans]

What's going on?

Why is there potpourri in the document shredder?

Tamiko said she was coming by today with some big news.

One means divorce.

Two means she's driving.

Three, a hook-up is imminent.

I lost your mother when I lost my job.

Now that I'm on top again, she's remembered that I'm the one.

Your mother is about to walk through that door and say--

Who wants to meet my new boyfriend?

♪ Standing on a fault line ♪

[music fades]

[gasps] Keanu Reeves!

The star of John Wick 2 and 3?

And John Wick 4.

Sorry we're late. We got stuck in traffic making love.

Oh, don't be vulgar. We were boning.

[smooching]

[Rand groans]

Well, you were right about her finding "the one."

-You know, like from The Matrix, The One. -Mother--

[upbeat music plays]

-…fucker. -[glass smashes]

Well, he is fucking Reagan's mother. So yes, motherfucker.

[Myc] Holy shit. Your mom is having a sexcellent adventure with Bill and Ted?

Mom. You just got married to yourself and now you're dating a celebrity?

How did he even get past security?

Oh, great bunch of guys. They asked me to sign their machine guns.

-Yeah! -[laughs]

Nunu and I met when he signed on to star in the movie of my book.

We've been an A-list power couple ever since.

I just wanted to come by and tell you that the premiere is this weekend.

And we're all invited?

What? No, I'm just telling you.

-You must be Rand. -Huh?

I've heard so much about your journey.

Sh, sh, sh. Let the anger go.

Here. Have a lotus.

I don't put these in my pockets. They just grow there spontaneously.

This will never last. Tell her, Reagan.

Why should I listen to Reagan?

She's never been supportive about my relationships.

What? I have always… Uh…

Mom, you can't date the pool boy. You're just gonna get hurt.

Mom, you can't date Richard Branson. You're just gonna get hurt.

Mom, you can't date the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil.

Someone's going to get hurt. That guy is juggling fire.

Actually, Mom, I've been opening myself up to new relationships lately,

and I think that it's beautiful that you are too.

Oh, Reagan. That is so unlike you. In a good way.

And I want you to know that I would never dream of trying to replace your father.

[laughs] It's not totally off the table, right?

[growls]

Koko, do you mind if we head back to LA?

I'm feeling drained from squinting meaningfully into the distance.

Of course. He's on a Hollywood all-liquid diet.

I feel blessed to have met you and I hope you don't mind,

but I took the liberty of replacing all the cars in the parking lot

with new Teslas.

-[Glenn] Wow! -Seriously?

[Myc] I love Keanu Reeves.

New mission.

Reagan, as your boss and father, I order you to destroy that relationship.

What? Fuck no.

It's for her own good.

Trust me. Everyone in Hollywood is a monstrous creep

with a dark-ass secret.

Did you see how he hypnotized me? He might not even be human.

Face it. Mom just wants young blood.

My blood's plenty young.

Last week, the doctor said your blood was 4% cigarette ash, and 9% STDs.

I am not sabotaging Mom's happiness because you got replaced by a hotter guy.

-Where are you going? -I have a coping mechanism.

[Gigi] Yes, girl! Go get it, honey!

She's finally getting laid, right?

-[Myc] Yeah. -Definitely.

-Thank God. -Good for all of us.

I'm gonna make a fucking movie too.

I'm gonna show Tamiko that I'm a badass leading man.

Leading man?

No offense, but you look like Willem Dafoe fucked a meth needle.

True. My years of living awesomely have taken their toll.

Andre. You've got an hour to whip up a youth serum.

I want my face so young you could eat off of it.

Myc, write a badass action script to highlight my sexiness.

[Myc] I've already got the title. The Chronicles of Rand-dick.

Sounded better in my head.

Glenn, teach me fight choreography.

Call me Dolphin Lundgren.

Rand, it takes more than looks and nunchucks to make a movie.

You need names.

You're right. I need cred.

Someone whose name means Oscar gold. Someone like--

[gasps] Leonardo DiCaprio. He's an inspiration.

He taught me that recycling is also for guys with abs.

Sold! Brett, use your natural douche instincts to track down Leo

and get him on board.

Okay, people, like I said to Tonya Harding when she asked me for career advice,

let's break some legs!

[tranquil music plays]

[Reagan] Let me get that.

Your arms should only be used for realistic gunplay and hugging my mom.

Reagan. This visit was such a nice idea.

You've never wanted to hang out with any of my boyfriends.

Well, none of them were Keanu.

I've been a fan ever since I made my own Matrix when I was eight.

We might all still be in it.

Oh, shoot. I forgot the rice crackers.

Be right back, Koko. [kisses]

Tasteful minimalism, a courtyard full of motorcycles.

His own private Idaho-shaped pool.

After dating so many billionaires,

his millionaire lifestyle keeps me grounded.

Well, I'm proud of you, Mom.

[tranquil music plays]

Uh, what is this? We about to kill a spider together?

I want you to come to the premiere with us as my guest of honor.

Wait, really?

You always find some kind of fault with my boyfriends,

but for once, you're supporting me.

And I want to support you.

I don't know what to say.

Say you'll get me another quinoa mimosa.

On it.

[giggles]

Rand was so wrong.

Hollywood people aren't creeps. At the end of the day, they're just--

[creaking]

Keanu?

[suspenseful music plays]

[gasps]

[gurgles]

-[laughs maniacally] -[gasps]

[panting] What was that?

Is Keanu Reeves some kind of a vampire?

Are vampires real?

Am I spiraling? Is all of this out loud?

Reagan, is everything all right?

You look like you've seen a ghost, or an adjacent undead creature.

Excuse me. I was just drinking a box of Juicy Juice.

Keanu, I just invited Reagan to be our guest at the premiere.

She's so excited, she's sweating.

Uh, yeah, this is not gonna suck.

I mean, bite. I mean, let's do it!

When you see the movie, Reagan, you will just die.

[ominous organ music plays]

Oops! Down, Keanu.

I named my cat Keanu after the movie Keanu about a cat named after me, Keanu.

-[bell rings] -[Myc] Quiet on the set.

That includes thinking.

I'm psychic, you idiots.

Gigi, random question,

but is it normal for celebrities to get blood transfusions in, um, coffins?

I got a better question.

Are you getting laid? 'Cause, girl, you are glowing.

I got some outfits that'll match that horny glow.

What? No. Why are you always trying to make me over?

Why does Banksy want to make art out of boring walls?

The challenge.

Listen, my mom is in big trouble.

Can you help me dig up any dirt on Keanu Reeves?

I could try, but dark Hollywood shit is the Illuminati's turf

and those assholes won't let me near their headquarters.

The Illuminati, huh?

♪ VIP entry ♪

♪'Cause you know what I'm into… ♪

Okay, Brett. Remember the plan.

Track down Leo DiCaprio,

lure him into Rand's movie, and become his best friend.

Who's ready to party like Ed Hardy?

[gasps] Ooh.

Excuse me, broseppi, does my boy Leo D still hang out here?

Yeah, not since he won his Oscar. But he left a bunch of garbage behind.

Those guys?

Tobey Maguire, David Blaine, Lukas Haas, and Q-Tip,

his old crew, aka the Pussy Posse.

The legendary pickup artists from the early aughts?

I thought my older brother made them up.

[David Blaine] Where are you going?

Don't make me hold my breath till you come back.

I've done dumber things for much longer!

Wazzup, home dogs.

Looks like you're one white dude short of a full posse.

David disappeared Connolly in a magic accident.

R-I-P.

Yo, don't step to me, Tobey.

I'll turn you back into an owl.

Well, I've been known to have a few tricks up my sleeve too.

Check this out.

[groans] This is the life, huh?

Agh!

Hmm. [exhales]

Just guys being dudes. [groans]

I admire your shamelessness.

What did you say your name was?

It's Blaive… Brett… ford… stein.

Blaive Brettfordstein.

Hm. We've been burned before, Blaive.

Some people think they can use us to get to Leo.

[laughs] What? I would never.

But if we hang out, I will meet him, right?

First you got to prove you're posse material.

Pussy Posse party protocol.

[movie narrator] His muscles, huge.

His alcoholism, charming.

He's ready to get back together.

If you can handle it.

Yippee-ki-yay, mother of my child.

[Myc] Cut.

He's jiggling in the wind. Can we turn the fans down?

Goddamn it! This company managed to cover up Mr. Rogers' Vietnam sniper count.

Can't we cover up my fucking man boobs?

Andre! I need that youth serum.

Are you sure? [blows]

I didn't check the expiration date on these stem cells.

I'm not getting any younger, and neither is my scrotum.

[Myc] If he dies, I get the Army.

No fair. I want the Army!

[suspenseful music plays]

[gasping]

Holy shit! I look 25 to 30, and check out that ass.

I don't want to, but I can't stop staring.

Writers. I want 20… No, 30 more sex scenes.

-[Myc groans] -Already so many. Goddamn it.

[tense music plays]

You know a man on the inside of the Illuminati?

This is some Deep Throat shit.

We don't know each other very well.

-Reagan. -Gigi, this is my source, Staedtler.

Oh, you two are banging, aren't you?

-What? -What? No.

-No, we are not. -I'm sorry. Gross.

-No offense. -Does anybody else say that?

Why would you think that?

[laughs] This really is some Deep Throat shit. I love it, honey.

Gigi. He's from a rival company. You can't tell anyone.

About the banging?

Definitely not about the banging.

Can everyone stop saying the word "banging"?

[Reagan groans] Shh!

I grabbed every Keanu file in the Illuminati archive.

Okay, that's Keanu now,

and here he is in Bram Stoker's Dracula in 1992.

He's barely aged a day.

How old are these photos?

And who are all these women?

Hollywood Immortals?

The Illuminati has spread their message using the charisma of actors

for centuries, but get this.

They found a way to keep them alive so their star power never dies.

Hollywood's leading men are making themselves immortal

using the blood of young women!

They're all hundreds of years old.

Every ageless leading man is one of them.

Nicolas Cage, Brad Pitt, Larry David,

and the most bloodthirsty of them all,

Leonardo DiCaprio.

That's why they all date 19-year-old models

who we never see again.

For their blood!

Shit. I have to go to my next cleanup job.

Someone on the Internet found out Margot Robbie is CGI.

Call me later?

Reagan, you've gotta tell Tamiko the truth about Keanu Reeves

before he drinks her through a crazy straw.

I can't.

If I tell her, she's just gonna assume I'm being old unsupportive Reagan.

It'll just drive them closer together.

Mom is gonna have to find out from somebody that she trusts.

Goddamn it, Rad Ridley. You punched the president to death.

You better not be having hot sex right now.

The flag's not the only thing at half-mast.

Huh? Wait, what the hell is going on?

[Rand groans]

[ominous music plays]

[screams]

Shit. Fucking fuck. Fuck!

[Myc] Okay, that's a cut.

Shit! Andre!

You only gave me an hour to make the serum.

[Myc] Well, our continuity is fucked.

You seem like the kind of guy who cares about continuity.

[Myc] It's the only thing that matters.

Before you Benjamin Buttoned me,

I was well on my way to smashing box office records and my wife.

Now, I just have a powerful urge to smash brightly-colored blocks together.

I want an Oscar!

[Myc] How? At this rate, we're filming goddamn Boss Baby.

Well, this baby is still your boss,

and I'll kick your dick through your head unless we finish this movie.

Don't forget I have the nuclear codes.

Furthermore… Wah!

[Myc] Where the fuck is Brett with DiCaprio?

All right, Blaive, to prove you're Leo material,

go run game on those 9.7s at the bar.

-[women laugh] -Hey, I'm Blaive.

I like your Birkin.

My mom had one like it for her pills.

Oh my gosh.

You're so sweet and hot,

but, like, non-threatening, like a cousin,

but still kind of hot.

Whoa. What's that thing he's doing while he's waiting to talk?

I think he's listening.

Sorcery!

Blaive, what's your secret?

Well, first off, one helpful tip is to think of a woman as a person.

-Did he just say that? -My mind is blown.

Everything I know is wrong!

Womanizing is our entire identity.

Could we even still call ourselves the Pussy Posse?

You sure can, with one of these.

I'm getting on Etsy.

How about we go show off our newfound wisdom to Leo, huh?

Sorry, Blaive. Truth is, Leo kicked us to the curb when he won that Oscar.

"Never let go" my ass.

He's got a new posse now.

Oh, okay. Well, do you know where they hang out?

Hell yeah, is this "Baby Shark"?

Did you know the guy who wrote "Baby Shark" killed his wife in 1998?

Oh, this song is horseshit. Play it again, though.

[Myc] We got coordinates on Leo.

Then let's go shoot that fight scene.

Okay, but I think we should bring boostie.

No boostie!

[tense music plays]

Keanu's on the move. Go break up with your mom.

How do I look?

Vaguely Asian, but not in the way that threatens Middle America.

Perfect. Whoa. Whoa. Wow.

No, that's Owen Wilson.

Whoa. Okay. I've got it.

[doorbell chimes]

Nunu? You just left. And why are you ringing your own doorbell?

Uh, because I need this to be official.

Tamiko, I'm breaking up with you.

What? But we just made passionate love in the Idaho pool.

[yelps] Look, fine.

You need to leave because I'm actually a 400-year-old Immortal

and I want to suck your blood.

Oh my God, I understand.

This is sexy role-play.

Suck me dry, you immortal fuck demon!

Agh, Mom. Stop it!

[screams] Oh, shit.

Wait. Mom?

-[tense music plays] -[groans]

Reagan! I should have known.

You've been judging me this entire time, again.

No, this is different.

Keanu is some kind of science vampire. I can prove it.

How could you do this? I finally found a keeper.

Yeah, a Crypt Keeper.

You're just like your father.

You won't work on our relationship,

but there's no amount of work you won't do to make sure I'm not happy.

-That is not what-- -Just go.

And do not show your face at tonight's premiere.

Or Keanu's face.

The premiere!

She's going to walk right into a den of A-list vampires.

I'm all out of options.

If I want to save my mom, I have to do what The Lake House couldn't.

Kill Keanu Reeves.

We need to infiltrate that premiere and get to Keanu before it's too late.

But how?

The only way in is to walk the red carpet,

and when they see someone as hot as me,

all those camera flashes will attract attention.

I don't have frumpy privilege like you, Reagan.

men will look at you the way they look at me. Briefly.

[upbeat music plays]

And done.

Wow, I hate it.

I want to cyberbully myself. Do you really think this'll work?

Oh, yeah. In Hollywood, being a rumpled woman over 30

is basically an invisibility cloak.

-[man 1] Emma Stone! -[man 2] Over here!

[man 3] Tell me about La La Land.

[magical music plays]

Do you see anyone?

My eyes can't really focus.

-[man] Does this look like anything? -Just an empty red carpet. Weird.

Damn, I could get used to being unremarkable.

[Reagan] Yeah. I'm so lucky.

-[Tamiko laughs] -[Gigi gasps] Look!

I need a private moment to unflex my abs.

Be right back, Koko.

Keanu's headed towards the restroom.

Keep watch. I'm going after Keanu.

Bull. Gigi never gets to kill anybody.

♪ Happy Birthday, Keanu. Happy-- ♪

Catch you at a bad time, Keanu?

To quote myself, whoa, what are you doing here?

Saving my mom!

[dramatic music plays]

You know my secret, but I'm warning you. I know kung fu.

Yeah, I know.

It's one of two things people know about you.

-They also know I do my own stunts. -[Reagan grunts]

[dramatic music plays]

-[Reagan grunts] -[Keanu groans]

[groans and sighs]

[dramatic music continues]

That doesn't scare me. I'm a pan-denominational Buddhist.

Buddhists still bleed! [yells]

[both grunt]

[Keanu grunts]

Exactly. There were times when I felt like the book was writing me.

Holy follow-up question. Would you consider yourself a genius?

No, no.

But yes.

-[gasps] Keanu? Reagan? -Shit!

-I told her not to come. -[yelps]

[Reagan yells]

[both grunt]

Fake rain? This just seems expensive.

And in the desert. So wasteful.

Have some garlic, Keanu.

No! Where did you get that?

Olive Garden. "When you're here, you're family."

[Keanu groans]

[Reagan strains]

All right, Keanu, time to eat your stake.

[sniffs] White oak. You did your homework.

I fucking love homework. And my mom.

I love her too, Reagan.

Reagan. What are you doing?

It's all right, Tamiko, she's just protecting you.

Everything Reagan said is true.

For hundreds of years, I've been a blood-sucking Immortal,

until now.

You're not gonna try to suck out my mom's blood?

I lied about being a vampire, but not about loving Tamiko.

I'm done with immortality.

I finally found the woman I want to grow old with.

Oh, Nunu.

[man] We've heard enough!

[suspenseful music plays]

[gasps] Leonardo DiCaprio!

Nicolas Cage,

Bradley Cooper, Johnny Depp!

Oh God, we've stumbled right into their lair.

I knew you were getting soft, Keanu.

You've been dating age-appropriate women for years.

That's as disgusting as only wearing one scarf.

If audiences see you getting older,

they'll get suspicious about the rest of us.

Except Tom Cruise.

Yeah, that guy is fucking bulletproof.

You guys are so bogus.

Tamiko is a national treasure.

-Good thing I know how to steal those. -[grunting]

-[gasps] -Mom!

[grunts]

Before we kill Keanu,

one last ceremonial bloodletting with his 40-something girlfriend.

[gasps]

And oh!

Prepare to be Leonardo decapitated.

Hey, Romeo, hands off my wife!

Well, if it isn't my old crew and some hideous baby man.

Dad?

He's turned himself into a literal man-child.

Way to turn subtext to text, Rand.

My therapist would love this.

I did it to impress you.

To show you that I was younger, hotter, and had more Oscars than Keanu.

[laughs]

Looks like the D-listers crashed the party.

We've evolved, Leo.

You can't bully us, or this single father and his disfigured baby.

Andre, downzies.

Myc, grab the camera.

[Myc] Rolling!

I'm kicking your ass. Get ready for a bloodbath!

[gasps] That's it.

Blood.

[Leonardo groans]

[Reagan grunts]

Reagan, what are you doing?

Something I've had recurring dreams about.

Finally stabbing my father!

Ouchies!

You fools.

Baby blood is only gonna make me stronger.

Not this baby.

You just mainlined enough bad choices to age you a thousand years.

-My blood type is O Shit. -What?!

[groans]

[gurgling]

[Rand groans]

[laughs] Drink up, pretty boy. That shit is hundred proof Ridley.

You can't do this to me!

I'm the king of the world!

[gurgles and groans]

At least he died doing what he loved. Composting.

[Myc] I got it in the can!

I give this movie three stars. Very confusing.

Sorry I lied, Tamiko. But I meant everything I said.

I'm ready to give up immortality for you.

Oh, that's…

You're sweet, but…

Bye!

Hey. [chuckles] Sorry for all the…

Um… Ah, fuck it.

Well, guess I better start dressing my age.

You and me both, brother.

I can't believe the whole A list is gone.

I'm proud that the last thing Leo saw

was his posse growing into mature, decent men.

It's okay. We have a new leader.

Sorry, guys. My name's actually Brett, and I already have a posse.

The deep state.

-[gasps] -Impossible!

A masterful illusion.

Damn, dude, this whole time, you were running game, on us.

Then you've learned my final lesson, bros.

Please, Brett, don't forget us.

Call me Blaive.

[coughing]

[laughs]

Hey. Sorry I ruined your premiere and tried to murder your boyfriend.

I guess Keanu was a good guy after all.

No, I'm sorry.

Seeing my only daughter risk her life like that,

I-I realized you have been supporting me this whole time by trying to protect me.

Exactly. It's not that I don't want you to be happy.

It's just you have horrible taste in men.

Dad, Buzz Aldrin, actual monsters.

I get it now.

You murdered every leading man in Hollywood because you love me.

And I always will.

Wait, did you break up with Keanu because he was a vampire,

or because you discovered he was way older than you thought he was?

Reagan. Can't it be both?

[movie narrator] He's better than you remember.

He'll have you saying Kean-who?

Tell the president I'm on my way.

[chews loudly]

[whines]

[Myc] I am not putting my name on this. I quit!

[crashing]

[dramatic music plays]

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